The Nature of Boundaries

Boundaries, as commonly understood, are ways we define what is acceptable or unacceptable in our relationships and interactions. They often come from an attempt to protect ourselves from discomfort or perceived threats. However, from a Three Principles understanding lens, boundaries are not inherently good or bad but simply thoughts. Whether we set a boundary, honour one, or question its necessity depends entirely on the state of mind from which it arises.

Fear and Experience

Sydney Banks’ statement about not being afraid of our experiences points to the idea that much of what we perceive as needing boundaries is rooted in our fear of fully feeling or engaging with the present moment. When we misunderstand our experiences as caused by the outside world rather than our own thinking, we might need to protect ourselves through boundaries.

For example, if someone is disrespectful, we might think we need a boundary to stop them from affecting us. But the discomfort we feel isn’t from them—it’s from our thinking about the situation. Once we see this clearly, the need for rigid boundaries often dissolves, and we act with clarity and wisdom instead of fear.

Boundaries as a Neutral Tool

When used wisely, boundaries can serve as a tool rather than a reaction. They can help create conditions for well-being, not because we fear others or situations, but because, in certain moments, it feels right to communicate or act in ways that support mutual respect and understanding. This is especially true when engaging with others who might not share the same level of understanding about their experience.

For instance:

• If someone repeatedly acts in ways that drain our energy, a boundary might be us lovingly stepping back, not out of fear, but because we recognize the wisdom in caring for our state of mind.
• Alternatively, we might not set a boundary but instead respond to the person with compassion, seeing their behaviour as a reflection of their misunderstanding, not a threat to us.

The Flawed Premise of Assertion

Abraham Hicks’ idea that boundaries stem from a flawed premise of “assertion” aligns with this perspective. Boundaries become necessary as a defence mechanism when we believe others can assert something into our experience without our consent. But when we see that all experience arises from within, we realize no one can truly harm us on a deeper level. This insight can free us from the need to monitor or enforce boundaries rigidly.

A Question of Motivation

Here is the key question: Are we setting boundaries for the “wrong reason”? If boundaries arise from fear, misunderstanding, or a desire to control others, they can feel restrictive and energy-draining. But if they arise from clarity, wisdom, and love, they are not restrictive—they simply express our deeper understanding in action.

For example:

• Saying “no” to someone might feel restrictive if it comes from fear.
• Saying “no” from wisdom and love feels liberating—it’s not about keeping something out but about staying true to our inner alignment.

The Insight

The deeper insight might be this: Boundaries are unnecessary when we truly understand where our experience comes from. We naturally align with wisdom, love, and clarity in such moments. From this space, we might set boundaries—or not—but either way, our actions come from a place of freedom, not fear.

Clarity is key to action.

Clarity opens the possibility for the right action at the right time. It is like turning on a light in a dark room—it allows us to see what’s already there and navigate it effortlessly. From that space of insight and understanding, the “right action” often arises naturally, without the mental effort of overthinking or second-guessing.

When we act from clarity, it’s less about what we do and more about the quality of mind behind it. Whether that action involves setting a boundary, stepping away, or leaning in with compassion, it carries the power of wisdom and love, making it effective and freeing.

Is this helpful? Or spark further questions? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Kind regards,

3/100

A few months back, on An Honest Look podcast Fatí and I did an episode on where the topic of boundaries came up.
You can listen to it here: An Honest Look Podcast

or watch it: