Today is my 46th wedding anniversary! I might have picked up a few things about relationships during those wonder-filled days. One of them is don’t buy a vacuum cleaner as a Christmas Present, no matter how hi-tech, work-saving they are! Didn’t earn a merit badge.

If you think I know it all now, you are sadly mistaken. Even as I continue on this relationship journey, there is always room for continued growth and a deeper understanding of each other.

Love is a complex and beautiful language we all speak uniquely. However, like any language, misunderstandings can arise, leading to confusion and frustration in relationships.

In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, which is right around the corner, let’s delve into the Hidden Language of Love, inspired by Andy Andrews’ insights in the book “The Noticer,” where he explores how our preferences shape the way we express and receive love.

This may be helpful if you ever thought that you would never understand your partner in a million years!

Understanding the Love Profiles

I love behavioural profiling tests. (Get one here) They are fun and interesting and, at times, can be helpful in opening up hidden areas (shadows) that get in the way. Those preferences we have innocently picked up along our journey can be strengths and weaknesses. They also give us clues on how we and others communicate, not only in the words but also in the actions we take.

What Rubs You?

You are always feeling your thinking, not the circumstances or actions you see from others. When you feel a rub between you and your partner, it’s a clue to the thinking you are anchored to that is tied to your preference. Preferences are just beliefs of how you think you need to be and how you want the world to be so you can get along with it.

When you are in a good mood, your preferences go unnoticed. You could care less and focus more on the moment of good feelings. In lower moods, you notice the rubs (when someone or something is acting not in accordance with those preferences) more and innocently believe that this unpleasant mood is brought to you by the company you keep.

If you feel a rub about someone not helping with the dishes or not making the bed, that’s your preference showing up. If someone doesn’t say I love you and bothers you, that’s a rub against your preference.

None of this is good or bad unless you make it so. They are just your preferences, and what you are experiencing is someone’s actions (brought on by their preferences), filtered through your preferences and judgements.

If your partner’s love language is doing and your preference for communication is to have someone say to you that they love you, you can see how this might cause a rub. Each thinks and acts according to their preference. They might be thinking, “You don’t have to keep telling me how much you love me; I know that, but how about taking the trash out once in a while. That’s true love!”

Understanding the Love Profiles

I will be using Myers Briggs, which is the most widely used. There are a dozen more, all based on Jungian theories. (Click here to do a profile and learn more about preferences) When reading these, remember you are a combination of these, not just one type.

1. Extraversion (E) vs. Introversion (I):
   • Extraverts express love openly, enjoying gestures like public displays of affection and verbal affirmations.
   • Introverts may show love through thoughtful acts, preferring quality time and one-on-one conversations.
2. Sensing (S) vs. Intuition (N):
   • Sensing individuals appreciate practical demonstrations of love, such as helping with daily tasks or thoughtful gifts.
   • Intuitive partners value creative expressions of love, such as sharing dreams, ideas, and possibilities.
3. Thinking (T) vs. Feeling (F):
   • Thinking types demonstrate love through logical actions and problem-solving.
   • Feeling types express love emotionally, emphasizing empathy and understanding.
4. Judging (J) vs. Perceiving (P):
   • Judging personalities prefer structure and planning in their relationships, showing love through commitment and stability.
   • Perceivers embrace spontaneity and flexibility, expressing love through adaptability and a willingness to go with the flow.

Do you see yourself in these descriptions? (BTW, my profile is INFP)

What about your partner? Does any of this ring a bell?

Share your comments, and if you would like a deeper understanding, I am happy to have a one-on-one conversation with you about this or any topic you have in mind. (Click here to connect)

Practical Tips for Couples

1. You are Unique:
   • You are not your preferences. They only describe you at the moment. You innocently pick up preferences throughout your life, and they can be changed, and they do. Because we all live in separate realities, we perceive the world differently from others.
2. Learn Your Partner’s Love Profile:
   • Take the time to understand your partner’s preferences and how they influence their expression of love. Just because they don’t say I love you enough does not mean they don’t. Their language is different. Not making a bed is not a sign of incompatibility. (Read about the Half-Made Bed)
3. Effective Communication:
   • Communicate openly about your love preferences and encourage your partner to share theirs. This fosters a deeper understanding of each other’s needs.
4. Embrace Differences:
   • Celebrate the uniqueness of your partner’s love language. Instead of seeing differences as obstacles, view them as opportunities for growth and connection. Your shadow lies in the unexpressed.
5. Flexibility and Adaptability:
   • Be willing to adapt your approach to match your partner’s preferences. Flexibility in expressing love can bridge any communication gaps. This is not about being a pleaser, doormat, or slave to another’s wishes. What happens when I let go of a preference and relax in the moment always amazes me. Try it sometime.
6. Surprise Gestures:
   • From time to time, surprise your partner with gestures that align with their less dominant preferences. This demonstrates a genuine effort to connect on a deeper level.

Understanding the Hidden Language can transform your relationship into a harmonious and enriching experience in the symphony of love. By appreciating and accommodating each other’s Love Profiles, couples can foster a deeper connection, creating a love story that resonates with the unique melody of their hearts.

This Valentine’s Day, let’s embark on a journey to decode the Hidden Language of Love and create a love story that stands the test of time.

Big hugs and lots of love!

PS: For extra points, try a YES day. Keep it a secret to yourself. Whatever requests come up, just say YES. Common sense applies!

Have fun, and have a wonder-filled day!